Infamous Last Words
by seriousish
Summary: The world's greatest heroes are moments from death. Now is the time for… embarrassing personal revelations? Bruce x Clark


Clark strained against the Kryptonite manacles holding him. The pain had left with the last of his strength, leaving him weak as a kitten and numb as a kitten on painkillers. He looked over at Bruce. "Anything?"

Bruce jangled the several hundred pounds of locks and chains holding him. "No."

"Diana?"

Diana barked irritably, which Clark took to mean _still a dog_. Lex turning her into a female dog was bad enough, but the choke-chain was unconscionable.

"Well, then." Clark thought it over. "We're screwed."

They'd all been unmasked inside the dank dungeon cell, thought two of didn't wear masks, so Clark had had his glasses put on and Wonder Dog had a tag reading 'Diana Prince.'

"We're seconds from death," Diana said, using her animal telepathy to communicate with what were now animals to her. "Clark, anything you'd like to say?"

"At least we had a few laughs."

"I see." Diana spoke for the room. "Bruce, how about you?"

"I memorized my own little St. Crispin' s Day speech the first time I was seriously injured. Can't remember a word of it now, though."

"I meant something more… personal."

"…I'll always regret not killing the Joker."

"No! Something romantic!"

Bruce thought again. "I don't have those feelings for you, Diana."

"No!" Diana barked, literally. "Clark, Bruce has been in love with you since the day you met."

"Diana!"

"Is this true?" Clark demanded, suddenly feeling very much not numb. His cheeks were on fire.

"Now's not a good time," Bruce gritted out.

"Do you really think there's going to be a better time?"

"I hope not, now that you said _that!_"

Clark shook his head. "This can't be true. Bruce isn't gay."

"Really? Why do you think it never worked out between him and me?"

"I always assumed you just weren't his type."

"Clark, I'm _Wonder Woman_. I'm everyone's type. If right now, I said I wanted you sexually, how would you react?"

"I'd… ask Lois if it were alright."

Bruce banged his head against the wall. "Why can't he just shoot us in the head? Why does he have to _store_ us?"

"If you're not comfortable with an open and honest exchange of emotion, you could always come up with an escape plan."

"I have. Unfortunately, they confiscated my cyanide capsule."

"Hey, he made a joke!" Clark exclaimed. "The Batman made a joke!"

"I was serious."

"Oh."

"You'd think we'd be more comfortable with each other," Diana said, "considering we've all had sex with each other at one time or another. Except for you two prudes."

Bruce did some quick mental math. "Diana? _How could you!?_"

"Relax. It was in Boston, before he'd even asked Lois out on a date."

"You think I care about marital fidelity?"

"You should, it's one of the leading causes of divorce."

"If you and Clark have a bond, I need to know about it before an enemy uses it to manipulate your emotions."

"It wasn't emotional, it was just sex. My friendship with Clark is deeper than our relationship ever was."

Bruce took a deep breath. "Diana, _you harlot._"

"What was that?"

"You heard me. Using a naïve innocent like Clark for your own sexual pleasure! Is that part of your Amazon ethos?"

"Bruce, it wasn't like that!" Clark shouted.

"And you, you should have told me, no matter how ashamed you were. I don't engage in victim-blaming. Clark, _I am here for you._ Even though you should've told me about Diana violating you, like a good soldier would."

Diana chuckled. Or smelled bacon, one of those two. "Right, good little soldiers, telling you every facet of their personal lives… riiight."

"You're barking up the wrong tree."

"The Batman made another joke," Clark said, but no one was listening.

"I'm not barking anywhere. But that's a very weird place for Dick to have a tattoo."

"It's not a tattoo, it's a Tibetan warrior mark! And just because you know that doesn't mean you slept with him."

"Barbara Gordon, birthmark, right thigh."

"That proves nothing!"

"Do you think Tim's a virgin?"

"He's fifteen, harlot!"

"So is Cassie!"

They scowled at each other for a few seconds in silence. Once you heard that your sidekick had slept with someone else's sidekick, the fight was over.

"So, Brucie…" Clark ventured. "After we get out of this, you wanna get a beer?"

"I don't drink. And you don't drink."

"If we survive this, we should celebrate. What else do you do to party?"

"I fight crime."

"That explains a lot."

"Face it, it would take an act of god to get us out of here."

"I know gods," Diana pointed out.

The wall exploded. Nightwing stampeded in, neutralizing the Kryptonite shackles with anti-radiation foam before going to work on his mentor's chains with a laser. "Where's Wondy?"

"She's a bitch."

"Luthor turned her into that dog?"

"That too."

"He's convinced that the princess… molested me," Clark said sheepishly.

"So… he's jealous?"

Bruce stepped out of his chains, instantly pulling his cowl back on. "You've dishonored your Tibetan warrior mark! I want your complete sexual history, _now!_

Dick scratched his head. "Well, me and Helena—"

"That's enough!"


End file.
